it turned out this day turned out ALOT better than yesturday. cannot wait for tommorow, its gonna be epic. but at the same time, i know deep in my heart i'm not okay, having thoughts like this are eating me alive.
i've allways been in lust. ever since i was a young girl. it bothers me soo much. i mean usually imma very shy when it comes to wanting something you know you'll never have huts.. i think about love everyday, not knowing if i'll ever happen to me... apart from all my struggles, lust is my deadly sin, the worst habbit i've ever had. each time i become in facurated with someone its the same ol' shit. i try soo hard not to fall for someone, but it allways happens. i dont know why. maybe its because i've never had a true companion in my life, and it scares me because idk how im gonna live my life in complete lonliness. sometimes i'll imagined how t would be like to be in love, having someone there for you 24/7. i have a hard time trusting peple. the people i've ever liked my whole life allways lie to me, but for a GOOD CAUSE. LIES ARE WARNING SIGNS THAT THIS "THOUGHT" IN MY FUCKED UP HEAD WILL NEVER HAPPEN. i even force myself to make these people like me, with horrible results.
i hate the way i am. idk why i act like this, knowing that this behavior of mind is sick and can lead to serious consequences. i wish i could find someone who will truely understand me. yes i have friends, but its not the same. when i talk to them i try to act normal, when it comes to personal questions i may not be able to answer, cause im afraid, afraid to reveal my true self, in a way. my mind gets lost in a trance. when it comes to crushes its even worse, idk what to do. i get all shy, i stutter alot..i guess my life will never change.
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